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Losing It

Yes, There I Am

I sat around a table with about a dozen people,  six weeks into a transition, and there was a particular fellow. He was, you know, that fellow.

He’d argue at great length against any new practice, how trivially stupid it was. When we decided to adopt, he would quiet down, but then he’d sabotage the practice by applying it in half-measures. He would then, in high humor, ruthlessly point out how his results were a clear indication that the practice would never work.

So, big deal, I had a fierce resister. It had happened before, and it would happen again.

No, you don’t understand. This guy had me down. His every word — every look — found and pressed one of my buttons.

Anyway, at this particular meeting, I finally leaned forward, and using my masterful coaching wiles, I said:

“Would you care to step out to the parking lot so we can discuss this further?”

It’s true. I really did challenge one of my coaching clients to a fist-fight in the parking lot.

We’ll never know who would have won, because the manager stepped in and got me out to the hallway to cool down.

I was reminded of this ridiculous episode recently on Twitter because three different coaches talked to me about episodes of losing it, all in the same day. None of them were quite the caliber of actually beating someone up. But they were still pretty serious breaches of the ol’ agile love protocol.

Every coach, sooner or later, loses it.

It’s true.

I can’t tell you when, or how. I can only guarantee you that your patience will run out, your temper heat up, and you’ll behave in a way which is not only wildly improper and possibly illegal, but — and this is the best part — also entirely visible to the public for miles around.

Everybody does it eventually.

If you coach for long enough with enough teams, it will happen to you someday, too.

Dealing With Having Lost It

In another context, I once called Ron Jeffries to tell him about a coaching situation that had me in tears. (There was no violence involved that time, I swear it.)

Now, not everyone sees Ron as a sweet and tender sort of guy, but his reaction in this case was wonderful. He said three things:

  • There, There. You know what? You’re going to live through it. It will be alright.
  • Get Some Rest. Go home, turn off the alarm, and get a good night’s rest.
  • I Trust You. Once you are well-rested, decide what to do, then carry on.

How’s that for masterful kindness?

You Know Who You Are

I’m certainly not going to call out my friends who recently lost it at a team meeting. As it is, the embarrassment is practically fatal.

By all means, apologize when needed, but not only should you not beat your clients up, you shouldn’t beat your self up, either. Life goes on.

So if you’ve lost it recently, then take Ron’s advice, and take heart.

And If you haven’t lost it yet, then print this out for later..

Important Notice To Future Clients:

I Never Try To Beat People Up Any More

(but I still think I could take him)


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11 Responses to “Losing It”

  1. Kim Gräsman says:

    It’s funny how much this resembles the conflicts when bringing up children. I’ve said before that the one thing that’s made me more tolerant and smooth in the workplace is being with my two-year-old.

    I’m sure there’s a lot to learn about cooperation from literature on child-care.

    • GeePawHill says:

      I totally agree about the relationship between coaching and kid-caring. And I’m not just trying to be witty about how bad some client team members are. Virginia has spent the last eighteen years teaching me how to work with kids — we have nine grandkids — and I still learn new stuff all the time –GeePaw

  2. Mike Wilson says:

    THIS is one of the big reasons I gave up coaching. 😉

    Damn fine post.

    • GeePawHill says:

      Mike, I think it gets better. I certainly am nowhere near as, errr, volatile as I once was. I see so many demoralized, despairing, down and out teams, that my heart mostly just goes out to folks.

  3. Steve Quinlan says:

    I wouldn’t have believed this post had I not talked about parking lot therapy with you in 2001 in Iona

    Always take the fight to the ground

    • GeePawHill says:

      Hey Steve… I remember those trips. I had a great time with you folks! Nice to see people from old teams. I reiterate, tho, I no longer challenge people to fisticuffs, or at least, I haven’t since that first one.

  4. Wolfgang Wiedenroth says:

    we had a guy in our team acting, who was acting the same way. We called him the “meeting terrorist” and I was very close to smash his face through several walls! Didn’t do it instead I just sat there and tried to come down. One additional word and I would had done it!

    • GeePawHill says:

      Wolfgang… As I get older, I get better at both a) not getting mad in the first place, and b) knowing when it would be best to leave the room. Seriously, I can easily say, “Hey, you know what? I know we can figure this out in a bit, but right now I need to go walk around outside for a little bit.” For me, it’s a variation on basic meeting discipline, a topic coming up real soon.

      I have done this a few times, and no one has ever reacted negatively to it. I mean, after all, we *are* passionate-by-purpose, and that’s going to mean sometimes we over-invest.

  5. Matt says:

    Man, it is good to know I am not alone. In fact, almost 1 hour ago I had a related moment. I’ve been asked to help in an area and this particular guy has been bogging things down and riding me. Details aside, I called to ask what’s up and lost my composure. Buttons were pressed. Some damage was done.

    Your advice about support and chill time is pretty good. Weird to say but, as the “offender”, I could use some. Blah.

    • GeePawHill says:

      Matt… It’s funny about being the offender and needing the relief. I think it’s common to have some dumbassed blowup, then feel so bad about it that we can’t give ourselves the room we obviously need! A double whammy.

  6. Mike, you are a true hero for sharing this story … I can totally relate. I too get passionate and heated about my work and loose my composure at times. IF you are interested in changing your behaviour around this, I’d suggest NLP Breakthrough Coaching. When I had some issues a few years back, this helped me a lot.